I received this email from a British colleague this morning and it made me laugh out loud, so I thought I’d share. I especially like the comment about rugby replacing American Football.
My classroom location (between a Brit and an American – who are both incredible people and amazing teachers and teammates) reminds me of this joke I once heard:
Canadians spend 50% of their time trying to convince Americans we’re not British, and the other 50% trying to convince the Brits we’re not Americans
However, as I have three consecutive US Thanksgiving dinners to attend this weekend (well one was yesterday) gotta say I’m very thankful for my American friends… and it goes without saying that none of them voted for dub-yah… or at least hasn’t admitted it!
Enjoy 
*THE BRITISH CROWN IS REPOSSESSING AMERICA *
A Message from John Cleese ( of the Monty Python
Flying Circus fame )
To the citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent
President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
( excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy ).
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect: (You should look up “revocation” in
the Oxford English Dictionary.)
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have
been pronouncing it.
2. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as
‘favour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to
spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters,
and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with
filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an
unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You
will relearn your original national anthem, God Save
The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you
need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re
not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a
therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a
gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
A permit will be required if you wish to carry a
vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and this is for your own good. When we show you German
cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
metric with immediate effect and without the benefit
of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and
metrification will help you understand the British
sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (
which you have been calling gasoline ) — roughly
$6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things
you call French fries are not real chips, and those
things you insist on calling potato chips are properly
called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with
vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling
beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only
proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and
European brews of known and accepted provenance will
be referred to as Lager. American brands will be
referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be
required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a
cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to
play rugby ( which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest
every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies ).
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the World Series
for a game which is not played outside of America.
Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world
beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving
us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector )
from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly
to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated
to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper
cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits ( cookies)
and cakes; strawberries in season.
